Does anyone care?

I’ve been without internet for about a week. In that time my ex husband has called three times threatening to come after me. He has threatened my 84 year old mother, and my two sisters as well. 

I spent the hours from 2:00 am until 9:00 am speaking to the Santa Fe, NM police and the Duncan, OK police and the Oklahoma Highway Patrol, and the Stephens county district attorney’s offices trying to get a reponse on Thursday morning. Not that I felt that all of these places had jurisdiction, this is just the phone call trail I was placed on as police departments tried to pass responsibility to someone else. 

I’ve also been trying to follow up on my stolen dog. The Santa Fe district attorney’s office has been examining that issue. They really don’t seem to be very interested in dealing with getting justice for the theft of my dog either. 

It’s a very frustrating process, getting entangled with someone who doesn’t treat you well. The problem is that your ability to realize how badly you are being treated is continuously eroded until you don’t know how to protect yourself effectively and there are all too many people out there waiting for someone to abuse. There are very few who care and want to end the problem who effectively do anything about it. 

I don’t know what it was in me that felt like these two men I loved ever wanted to change or ever wanted to be better. I don’t know why I didn’t tell them to get lost and get better on their own and to find someone else when they did improve upon their behavoior. 

The last time Cory came back, he apologized for the past and told me he had matured. It was one more lie. 

I hope that if anyone out there is reading this who happens to be in an abusive relationship reads this that it will make one think. I hope it might inspire someone else to get out before suffering so much damage. There isn’t a system in effect that really can be depended upon to help victims of domestic violence even with all of the systems in operation out there. The world is operating at less than a snails pace in providing justice and safety for victims of domestic violence. 

I’m feeling so tired and run down from trying to get away from violent people who it seems like our justice system protects instead of protecting me. There is no logic anywhere in this. 

Death threats

My ex husband has called me three times in the last week. The last time was at 1:47 am and he was threatening to come after me. There is a protective order in effect for my two daughters and me. The problem is I am in New Mexico and my daughter are in Mississippi and my ex is in Oklahoma. No one in any state will enforce the protective order. I haven’t slept all night. I feel terrorized and really afraid to leave the house. This has been going on since 2008. I’m afraid at some time he will snap and come to kill me or go two houses down and kill my son or my mother. Apparently nothing is going to be done to prevent it because protective orders are not worth the paper they are written on from my experience. 

Reading

I’m reading the new book by Patti Smith, the M Chain. If you haven’t read, Just Us Kids, it’s really good. I’m still working on this one. 

I’m struck by my life. It’s just as valuable as Patti’s yet she has introduction and a platform to do things like meet Bobby Fischer and speak at the Continental Drift Club. She travels around the globe while I remain stationary, feeling obsolete at a fairly young age. I do not begrudge her this. She seems like a compassionate soul. Her words are well written and easy to digest. She seems to have encountered her own share of suffering in this world, and I’ve never actually dreamed of fame. A little more fortune wouldn’t hurt me though. 

My ex, Cory Porter still manages to keep my dog, Chan Luu, hostage, a fact that sends a burning sensation throughout my body, and my heart racing. I feel my cheeks flush and perspiration  breaking out all over my body as I write this paragraph. Edit

My boyfriend, Andy’s family sent us on a lovely fall foliage trip over the weekend. As we were taking the bus back to Chama and enjoying one of New Mexixo’s enchanting sunsets, I decided since someone was blocking my view for the moment to check my voice mail. There was a raving message from my ex husband claiming he had been informed that I was talking about him on Facebook. I wasn’t.  He screamed at me in a drunken rage that I had better shut my mouth or he was going to do it for me. This violates a five year protective order. The next day I sent that voicemail and another recording along with information about him violating the protective order at least twice by visiting my daughters, to a detective in Duncan, Oklahoma. I’ve yet to hear back from him even though I called to follow up today. That has been my experience to date following domestic abuse by my ex husband and more than one boyfriend. No matter how I have tried to obtain justice for the crimes against myself and my children, justice never comes. I am constantly implored to spend more money on attorneys and yet the attorneys I have hired have not really sought justice or peformed to their responsibilities. The court system is just a money making machine that has destroyed the quality of my life and that of my children. I was once a productive member of society with a doctorate and my own practice. Today I was visited by a care worker for Blue Cross/Blue Shield, because I am at danger of falling through the cracks, despite my best efforts, as I slide down the slope of being unable to care for myself.  Writing this blog seems like a last ditch effort to be heard. My life is killing me, literally and figuratively. 

I feel like I probably speak for many others who cannot speak for themselves. 

How in the United States of American do we allow a portion of our population to be terrorized by someone and abetted by our court system until a person can no longer function and until families are completely destroyed? Once I was strong enough to support 5 families through  my business and pay the taxes to help others who might be less fortunate. Now I cannot support myself. How is this rational? It makes no economic sense. My life is being wasted because I cannot get effective help.