I give up.

At this point I believe there are some types of complex post traumatic stress that currently have no cure. I believe it is the case for me. I have given everything I know to my attempt at healing. I’m worn out and don’t see it happening at this point. It’s dissapointing and unpopular I’m sure. It just is what it is.

 

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Does anyone care? 

I’ve been without internet for about a week. In that time my ex husband has called three times threatening to come after me. He has threatened my 84 year old mother, and my two sisters as well. 

I spent the hours from 2:00 am until 9:00 am speaking to the Santa Fe, NM police and the Duncan, OK police and the Oklahoma Highway Patrol, and the Stephens county district attorney’s offices trying to get a reponse on Thursday morning. Not that I felt that all of these places had jurisdiction, this is just the phone call trail I was placed on as police departments tried to pass responsibility to someone else. 

I’ve also been trying to follow up on my stolen dog. The Santa Fe district attorney’s office has been examining that issue. They really don’t seem to be very interested in dealing with getting justice for the theft of my dog either. 

It’s a very frustrating process, getting entangled with someone who doesn’t treat you well. The problem is that your ability to realize how badly you are being treated is continuously eroded until you don’t know how to protect yourself effectively and there are all too many people out there waiting for someone to abuse. There are very few who care and want to end the problem who effectively do anything about it. 

I don’t know what it was in me that felt like these two men I loved ever wanted to change or ever wanted to be better. I don’t know why I didn’t tell them to get lost and get better on their own and to find someone else when they did improve upon their behavoior. 

The last time Cory came back, he apologized for the past and told me he had matured. It was one more lie. 

I hope that if anyone out there is reading this who happens to be in an abusive relationship reads this that it will make one think. I hope it might inspire someone else to get out before suffering so much damage. There isn’t a system in effect that really can be depended upon to help victims of domestic violence even with all of the systems in operation out there. The world is operating at less than a snails pace in providing justice and safety for victims of domestic violence. 

I’m feeling so tired and run down from trying to get away from violent people who it seems like our justice system protects instead of protecting me. There is no logic anywhere in this. 

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Death threats

My ex husband has called me three times in the last week. The last time was at 1:47 am and he was threatening to come after me. There is a protective order in effect for my two daughters and me. The problem is I am in New Mexico and my daughter are in Mississippi and my ex is in Oklahoma. No one in any state will enforce the protective order. I haven’t slept all night. I feel terrorized and really afraid to leave the house. This has been going on since 2008. I’m afraid at some time he will snap and come to kill me or go two houses down and kill my son or my mother. Apparently nothing is going to be done to prevent it because protective orders are not worth the paper they are written on from my experience. 

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Reading 

I’m reading the new book by Patti Smith, the M Chain. If you haven’t read, Just Us Kids, it’s really good. I’m still working on this one. 

I’m struck by my life. It’s just as valuable as Patti’s yet she has introduction and a platform to do things like meet Bobby Fischer and speak at the Continental Drift Club. She travels around the globe while I remain stationary, feeling obsolete at a fairly young age. I do not begrudge her this. She seems like a compassionate soul. Her words are well written and easy to digest. She seems to have encountered her own share of suffering in this world, and I’ve never actually dreamed of fame. A little more fortune wouldn’t hurt me though. 

My ex, Cory Porter still manages to keep my dog, Chan Luu, hostage, a fact that sends a burning sensation throughout my body, and my heart racing. I feel my cheeks flush and perspiration  breaking out all over my body as I write this paragraph. Edit

My boyfriend, Andy’s family sent us on a lovely fall foliage trip over the weekend. As we were taking the bus back to Chama and enjoying one of New Mexixo’s enchanting sunsets, I decided since someone was blocking my view for the moment to check my voice mail. There was a raving message from my ex husband claiming he had been informed that I was talking about him on Facebook. I wasn’t.  He screamed at me in a drunken rage that I had better shut my mouth or he was going to do it for me. This violates a five year protective order. The next day I sent that voicemail and another recording along with information about him violating the protective order at least twice by visiting my daughters, to a detective in Duncan, Oklahoma. I’ve yet to hear back from him even though I called to follow up today. That has been my experience to date following domestic abuse by my ex husband and more than one boyfriend. No matter how I have tried to obtain justice for the crimes against myself and my children, justice never comes. I am constantly implored to spend more money on attorneys and yet the attorneys I have hired have not really sought justice or peformed to their responsibilities. The court system is just a money making machine that has destroyed the quality of my life and that of my children. I was once a productive member of society with a doctorate and my own practice. Today I was visited by a care worker for Blue Cross/Blue Shield, because I am at danger of falling through the cracks, despite my best efforts, as I slide down the slope of being unable to care for myself.  Writing this blog seems like a last ditch effort to be heard. My life is killing me, literally and figuratively. 

I feel like I probably speak for many others who cannot speak for themselves. 

How in the United States of American do we allow a portion of our population to be terrorized by someone and abetted by our court system until a person can no longer function and until families are completely destroyed? Once I was strong enough to support 5 families through  my business and pay the taxes to help others who might be less fortunate. Now I cannot support myself. How is this rational? It makes no economic sense. My life is being wasted because I cannot get effective help.

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Alone

My friend decided to check into the hospital. My ex boyfriend tried to pull him out of his car when he dropped me off. The trauma of everything that happened caused his own PTSD to reappear. He decided he needed to check in for 3-5 days of therapy before things got any worse.  

My ex left a $4000 television and well over fifty blue ray videos so I’m holed up in our duplex with the TV on trying to wait out the pain I’m feeling. I can’t function in any normal manner. 

Even though I know he is more suited for survival than me I still worry about my ex. I suppose I have a trauma bond with him. 

I feel confused and worried about my friend. I feel confused about this family of his that he tells me loves me. I am still humiliated by the situation and angry that my ex, I’ll call him C now, left me in this position. My friend, who I suppose I should call A, wants to have a life with me. I wonder if this will change while he is in the hospital. I love him and remember looking forward to our time together. He has many traits that I love. There are times that no one laughs more together than we do. I worry about my mental state and starting a relationship. I know it isn’t recommended protocol. I want to make sure that if i have something with him, that he gets the me he deserves. 

I think the thing that does make this easier is the fact that he had a C in his life, down to the same initial. He tells me he understands my feelings now as we end things. Every emotion I explain to him, he understands and tells me that it’s normal. It relieves some of my feelings of guilt for being so off balance. 

I just want to start over and to be strong and healthy. He told me that he and his family will be there to support me and that his mom went through something similar with his dad. I’ve actually been through worse and I know that her situation was worse. As traumatizing as it is, I know it’s part of an accumulation of trauma. It’s far from the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I also know that in my current ill state that I feel protective of C. I can’t admit to myself completely how unhealthy this situation is just yet. I guess it’s more Stolkholm syndrome again. 

I feel so worn out and so all alone. I feel like I wasn’t supportive enough of A before he went to the hospital. I hope things are going well for him. I wish he had never said the flirtaceous thing he said on my Facebook page that sent C into such a rage. I would have preferred to keep my problems with C as my problems with C. I wish C would get help. Wish, wish, wish, wishing does no good. I have to deal with reality now, yet I’m in no shape for reality. C doesn’t even have the maturity to speak to me so we can figure out what to do about his things. I’m sure he will paint a picture in his head that I’ve stolen them and I forced him to leave. He will conveniently forget that he tried to grab and destroy my computers by punching them with his fist. He has told me the busted lip I have came out of the struggle for the computer. I saw the rage in his face as he turned to someone I do not know. I saw his elbow rare back before I took a blow to my face. I won’t ever forget yet look in his eyes as the person I loved momentarily turned into a huge monster right before my eyes. I would prefer to believe C’s story. It’s not nearly as bad as what really happened. That is probably an important point for the professionals who deal with domestic abuse. I’m willing to bet that most survivors underplay the incidences that occur. We tend to love our partners. I think we tend to not want to see anyone in pain. We also don’t want to admit to friends and family how bad things are. I haven’t truly discussed this with anyone but A. No one knows I’m writing a blog except for A and I haven’t given him my WordPress name so he can read it. That is how embarrassed I am by all of this. 

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Self Abandonment 

This is day two of being back at the duplex by myself. At least half of C’s things are here in the house and things are a mess. I’m shaking internally like a leaf. My mind is flooded with thoughts of how I’m going to move on after this. I’m having night terrors. I’m living on cereal and hemp milk because I’m afraid to leave the house. I’m questioning everything about my self worth. There is a book called, Complex PTSD:From Surviving to Thriving, that I’m reading. I’m reading it to see if I can make sense of all of this and try to save my life. 

I can’t stop the pain or the shaking. I feel so alone and pathetic. I can’t reach out to my friends. I’m too humiliated. 

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Time away

I’ve been missing a while from writing. So many things have happened. C moved out and stole my dog, about $12,000 worth of jewelry, a sewing machine, my climbing gear, my albums, a Martin Guitar, and I’m sure items yet to be discovered.

I had a bike wreck that resulted in a concussion, a broken rib, and a collapsed lung.  I moved in with A to heal, and I have stayed.

The damage I have suffered may be irreparable. C has tried to get s restraining order in Oklahoma to keep me away from my own dog.

My ex has temporarily lost custody of my son to DHS, and is living with my mother. My son evidently took the car keys from my ex after he drove them to my mothers intoxicated. I’m not sure what type of battle ensued however, it was bad enough for my mother to call the police. Knowing how important it is to keep appearances, and how few the times are that the police are called for domestic violence in that neighborhood, it must have been pretty bad.

I’m in a safe place, with someone who loves me very much. He is my best friend, and I love him. He treats me gently, and kindly, and with love, and respect. He never utters a cross word.  I’m dealing with night terrors, and anxiety attacks that go on all day and all night. I’m further damaged by everything that was taken from me, and from harassment coming from C and an old attorney who charged me $60,000 for two months work in which I lost custody of my children. Other than that incident about two weeks after hiring him, we were never in court. I owed him about $7,000, and he is trying to take everything I have which isn’t much.

I really don’t know how to recover from this. I literally don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other at this point, and I don’t know if I will ever recover to a point of satisfactory functionality.

I once had a half a million dollar practice. Now I don’t even have a car that is drivable, and people are still taking from me.

I want people to know. If someone is treating you badly, get out. Don’t fool yourself into staying because you committed to a marraige with an abusive person. Don’t stay with someone who is “trying to change” for your relationship. Let them change by themselves. Tell them to come back when they can prove they have changed. The cost is too high to be with people like this. It doesn’t matter how strong you think you are or even how strong you are, it will kill your soul if you stay.  I don’t know how to emphasize this enough.

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